Two Month Check In

It has been two months since I started this sabbatical - time has been short and long at the same time. I wanted to do a check in summary of what I have experienced in these weeks, and some of the changes that have happened with me. These are in no particular order.

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Being Present - I have been aware of being present in every moment. An easy way for me to start was to stop multitasking and do only one thing. Some examples: I am fully present to the experience of eating. I still create a "to do" list, and then I pick it up, select one item and do only that. When I get a phone call, I usually can drop everything and sometimes even go into a room alone so I can fully be present on the phone call.

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Ken Saunders, a friend of mine, always tells me: "You need to go slow to go fast". I have truly experienced this. Everything has been easier for me - relationships, tasks, etc. It has also enabled me to focus on the intention, especially when I am in service to another. Nice......

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Consolidation - I mentioned at the beginning of this journey that I wanted to pay attention to four levels of development - mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. I felt rather disconnected in that my emotional and physical self were lagging behind, and my mental and spiritual self was "out there". I could "know" things intellectually, but it wasn't always fully integrated for me.

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I feel more holistic, integrated and "even" in my levels of development. When I am stressed, my least developed aspect of my self is likely to arise, and yes, I may act like a four year old. It simply means that I have a trigger and an opportunity to look within to see what else is up for me. When this does happen, it now short lived and I am back in the groove quickly.

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I also have been paying closer attention to my diet, and physically I am getting more sensitive to foods (especially sugar). The more I shift to a natural diet (less processed food), I feel lighter overall and more even and centered in my emotions.

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Appreciation vs. Jealousy - This one has brought me great joy! There have been moments when I hear about another person's accomplishment or living his/her dream, and deep inside I was feeling jealous. On the vision quest in Hawaii, the group from Global helped me see my jealousy. I was an eye opening experience to look back through my life at how pervasive it was in my life. Since then, it has became easier to spot and shift in the moment.

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I also started to feel more at peace with this sabbatical. The Gremlin Ego likes to whisper "you're falling behind", "you are not in the action", "what are you doing?", blah blah blah.... As I focused on tending to my own present moment, jealousy melted away like an ice cube. As the jealousy melted away, I began to feel deeper and deeper appreciation and joy for the other person. NICE......

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"I am Broken" / "I am Enough" - This one confuses people. Over the years, I have collected degrees, certificates, awards, and compiled an impressive resume. About 10 years ago I heard "People get a Ph.D. to prove how smart they are". In that moment, I thought "ew - that's me!". I have always operated from a feeling of being broken - not smart enough, not mature enough, not pretty enough.... etc. etc. Underneath many of those accomplishments, I was always proving myself. Consulting fed this frenzy in me in that consultants always are striving to "prove their value". Clever how I designed my life, eh?

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Several times in my life, I have felt like my brain was rewired. My first experience was when I finished my comprehensive exams in graduate school. It was six months of very intensive study and integrating information. When I finished the exams, I felt like I didn't know how to think anymore. I literally had to relearn how to think. It is true that we can reconstruct our brains (see the book "My Stroke of Insight").

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Why do I mention this? In the last eight weeks, I feel like my emotions have been rewired. I feel much more "consolidated". The most striking effect I noticed is that I operate with the assumption "I am enough".

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WOW! What's next?

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Enjoy your day! Love, Mj

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If I Get Squeezed, What Comes Out?

Wayne Dyer in the DVD "Power of Intention" asks "If I squeeze myself, what comes out? Anger or love in action? It starts with loving myself".

My sister Nancy stopped talking to me. After I wrote this, I could see why she stopped talking to me.

What I see in her I am not willing to see in myself; I cloak myself in denial, and worse - superiority. In many ways, we are alike and we both have been working on "personal development" for a long time trying to "fix" ourselves. I cannot change my past interactions with her. I can take responsibility for what I have done. I can choose to let go and be present to who she is in the moment. I can monitor if I am working above the line or below, and shift my choices at any time. (See the post "A Moment to Pause and Be" for an explanation of above/below the line.) What I receive back from her will be an indication of what I am sending to her.

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I have been:

• Revengeful - getting back at her when I feel abused
• Disappointed - that she "isn't changing" or "changing fast enough" for me (my selfish motive)
• Jealous - that she has wonderful talents, and a great relationship with her kids
• Angry - that my time and attention is being used, when in reality, I choose not to be proactive (I am passive / aggressive)
• Angry - that she will "monopolize the conversation" (my perception) when what she probably wanted to feel was heard and understood. I held that back out of revenge
• Blame - I gave her money used it for manipulation
• Insecure - in my ability to relate to her and love her as she is
• Powerless - that I can't change her
• Feeling Out of Control - that I can't manipulate us into a better relationship, and therefore, I would "take control" of conversations
• Inadequate and Frustrated - I am a change agent, a coach, an "expert" and I can't influence (manipulate, really) her positively

After reading this list, I was amazed that she didn't stop talking to me a long time ago. She loved me and kept trying. When I get "squeezed" in conversations with her, not a lot of good stuff comes out. I withdraw and focus on what is going on with me rather than focus on both of us (her needs and my needs).

I can shift and do the following:

• Center in my heart
• Listen with an open heart
• Reflect what I hear so she "feels heard" - and ask her if she does feel heard
• Honor my own feelings and be willing to talk openly about what we both want
• Ask her what she wants in this moment - not the past, not the future

This is a good start but I have a ways to go. Some things concern me, and I will "sit in the question" for a while on this:

• I can intellectually admit to this, and yet am not feeling it "emotionally". Am I avoiding other feelings by intellectualizing?
• Am I looking for emotional drama? Am I controlling my emotions? Can I simply shift and come from a different place without empathizing with how she must have felt?
• Am I still angry and protecting myself? I have a tendency to get "holier than thou" and superior. She feels "analyzed" by me (read this: judged). Am I reaching for a higher emotion ("positive") while really working under the table and creating mischief? Certainly this will keep us stuck just where we are and feeling unfulfilled.
• Am I really ready to create a different relationship? Can I envision a different relationship? I have started to journal on what that could be, and I am not feeling the love here. I am not keeping it from her, I am keeping it from myself.

As much as I want to control her emotions and desires so that she could be "better" (judging again), I can only create what I want and be that. What I send out, I get back. And it's not looking too pretty. She is a wonderful teacher and I have some work to do.

With much love and gratitude for all the teachers in my life ~~ Mj

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Note: Photo from Sush Bhattarai and check out the excellent gallery at http://www.pbase.com/sbhattar/profile

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Back from Solitude....

I am back from my three days of solitude, and it was a wonderful experience. I experienced many insights and breakthroughs that I will share over time.

For all my life, I have been very intuitive and for a long LONG time have tried to put it under a bushel. No more.... A few signs pointed me to a book called "The Artist's Way" and for the first time in a very long time I am excited! I am filled with glee and did the "happy dance" when I read the first few chapters. Woo hoo!

For about a year I have been using Ascended Master cards (like angel cards). The most consistent card that I have pulled is Paul the Venetian who was a famous artist. Every time this card came up, I mentally pushed it away. No, no, no. I have a lot of artistic and musical talent, but I didn't want to go down that path.

The Artist's Way is pulling together many themes that have been occuring for me for the past year - identity, personal power, creativity, spiritual connection, Inner Child, commitment, ego vs. Divine, light vs. shadow, and love for myself and others. This book has a 12 week program that touches on all of these areas in a very disciplined and fun way. People who follow this program have reported life changing transformations and living lives that are now rich and engaging. I'll post updates on my progress over the next few months.

How clever of me to create this sabbatical! I can't rely on the excuse "I don't have time". More importantly, I created a gift of time for myself to enable me to be on this wonderful journey of discovery!

Ahhhhhhh......

With much love, Mj

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A Little Playing, A Little Solitude....

I had an awesome weekend with family. After dropping off hubby and mom at the airport, I drove to PA to spend the weekend.

Joe, Matthew and I spent the afternoon laughing and playing the card game "War". Saturday evening was the nativity school play and K of C spaghetti dinner (which was surprisingly delicious). Sunday was putting up decorations and watching football games.

Then, Matthew and I spent an evening together that I will cherish. We were both looking forward to our "alone" time on Sunday, when his parents celebrated their wedding anniversary. Matthew and I had dinner, he royally kicked my "boo-tay" in Wii (some Raving Raccuous Rabbid game) and we cuddled on the couch and watched Home Makeover together. Lots of laughter and memories that make me smile every time I think about them.

Now, I have an opportunity to take a break for the next few days, and spend three days alone. Really alone. No phone, no email, no Twitter or Facebook updates, no radio or TV. Just me and my journal and the silence of my own thoughts and feelings. I have been very excited at the prospect of being quiet. And, my ego has been saying, "come on, start doing something". Well, being quiet is doing something.

I have mentioned to some that I will be doing this, and the response has been mixed. Some think it is a cool idea (and a bit envious), and others are freaked out at the thought of being *really* alone for three days. The world is full of diversity, isn't it wonderful? What if everyone wanted to be alone?

I am setting my intention for these three days, and will report in on Friday on what I learned and discovered!

In the meantime, troll this website for a wonderful lift http://www.barbaramcafee.com/, especially "Navajo Chant": “When you were born, you cried and world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.”

Rejoice! Lots of love, Mj
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A Moment to Pause and Be

I was talking to my friend Nancy on the way home from an appointment, and we were talking about spirituality - what it is, what does it mean, what are we already doing. It was a great conversation and a lot of fun. I have learned over the years that we have four domains that we work in: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

She mentioned that she is reading The Power of Full Engagement and reviewing it with a friend. They invited me into the conversation and it is a wonderful dialogue! It specifically covers the four domains that I mentioned. Awesome!

Early in the book it mentions that everything starts with a purpose. It has been my experience that for many people, this is where we often get stumped. Do I have one? Is it "good enough"?

Over the last three years, I have done a lot of work with an organization called Global Relationship Centers. They have truly served as a bridge to helping me make so many wonderful and positive changes in my life.

On their website - http://www.grc333.com/ - there is a link on the right side of the page to a commitment chart. I use this chart often and in many ways. First, I realized how much I was living "below the line" (the red line on the chart). It took me a long time to not only see what I was doing, but also to see it with self acceptance. This enabled me to freely make a choice of working from "below the line" to "above the line". There is no pretending here - I can't "fake" that I am holding a higher intention.

Second, my purpose also resides on the commitment chart - both my life's purpose and my commitment and intention in the moment. Over time, I have been strengthening my commitment to my husband, my family, and my community by living more from my heart. It does not matter "how high" we are working on the chart (oh, competitive ones....) Every level creates positive impact.

About 12 years ago I read the Conversations with God series by Neale Donald Walsh, and it changed my life forever. At that time, I was given 12 words to live by:

Purpose, Service, Gratitude

Pure in heart
Genuine in deed
Holy in spirit

I do know that the more I live by these 12 words, the happier my life has been. These 12 words apply to all levels above the line on the commitent chart. This blog is fulfilling my purpose and helping me to live these 12 words. And in this moment as I "pause and be", this is quite fulfilling.

Ahhhhhh........

All the best! Love, Mj

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A Tribute to My Father

I would like to celebrate this Thanksgiving holiday with a tribute to my father. About the age that I am now, he made a significant change in his life. He and my mother both volunteered as team members on an alcoholism outreach team at our church. My father stayed on the team for over 25 years, and eventually became the team leader. He would spend many evenings and even "all nighters" working with families to help people get help for their condition. The ripple effects were enormous. He did a million little things, and that made all the difference in the lives of so many families, friends and coworkers.

He passed away about 10 years ago, and before he died he wanted to make sure that someone kept the team alive. No one was eager to take his place and I think he was disappointed that others could not see the importance of this work. In hindsight, I think my father did not understand that this work was his unique contribution of his purpose in this world. It was his soul's calling and his voice, not be to duplicated or imitated. When he was ready to leave this earth, his work was complete. The work would carry on, in a different form.

There is a saying that "Imitation is the highest form of compliment". I disagree. I believe that inspiration is the highest form of compliment. Our task is to be inspired by others to pick up our own baton, to walk in the world with our unique contribution. My father is still inspiring me, even today. Thanks, Dad. I love you.

My wish for you is that you know and live your own unique contribution! With much love and gratitude, Mj

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Still Laughing....

Today, I have been completely amused with an ecard website - http://www.someecards.com. After looking closer at this site, apparently it is full of cards that have been developed by the users of the site (talk about the power of collaboration!). And, many are quite irreverent. Okay, so I have been sitting here laughing my _____ off like a college sophmore (no offense intended). My brother in law Danny - who finds and sends the grossest birthday cards ever made - will love it!!!

Warning - those who proudly display their certificate from sensitivity training need not click and troll.

All the best! ~~ Mj

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Learning, Sweet Learning

I spent this past weekend at a session entitled “Learning and Protection”. The purpose of the weekend is to teach us ways to help others (and ourselves) learn how to pause, to identify when we are protecting ourselves and how we can shift to learning in the moment. It is in these moments that we can actively choose our response and we have the most freedom. We learned some wonderful tools that I will be able to apply in coaching with my clients.

I learned a great deal during the weekend, and one of my greatest moments of learning happened afterwards. I was with Inge and Jane and were talking about children. Jane asked if I ever wanted children. My response was an immediate and emphatic “no”. She inquired why, and I started to cry. Inge asked, “why the tears?” With that simple question, I learned a lot in the short span of several minutes. In fact, I am still learning.

I was raised during the days of “spare the rod, spoil the child”. I have spent many years and many dollars unraveling my early childhood experiences. In that moment, I could see that I decided many years ago that I would not have children. I did not want to raise a child the way that I had been raised, and in essence, was protecting children that I might have had - from me. I felt like I had a “bad seed”. I didn’t trust myself enough to be able to parent differently.

I can see how I made this decision out of revenge and anger. I can remember times that I was jealous of parents who had wonderful relationships with their children. There is a feeling of deep sadness and mourning in this. Perhaps I am mourning the child I could have had, I don't know. There is a lot of emotion mixed in and bundled up in here.

And, I can see how over the past year I have started to enjoy being with children and feeling very connected to them in my heart. I love being with parents, especially parents who teach Redirecting Children’s Behavior. Sparkle called me this morning to ask me to buy a copy of a children's book that she is publishing, and with a lot of joy in my heart I said yes.

My impact in this world is not through my own children - time has passed me by on this one. I have many, many opportunities to be loving and present to adults and children for the rest of my days. I can lovingly support adults who are parents. I can lovingly support authors who write books for children. There are many opportunities.... Woo hoo!

True lasting change begins with a deep awareness of where we are at – truly – and having acceptance in that moment. With the simple question of “why the tears” and the support of Inge and Jane I was able to accept all the things that came to the surface in that very powerful moment. I am very grateful to all my friends who were with me this weekend, and how our time together helped me be vulnerable and see the truth.

With much love and gratitude, Mj
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Who Loves You?

A have been in conversation via phone and email with quite a few people who are reading this blog. Thank you! It is encouraging to know that these entries "speak" to your own experience, and your questions and comments are very thought provoking. I like to think that together we are co-creating this!

My friend Mac asked me to do a few coaching exercises that have been helpful. I'll briefly describe the exercises.

1. List all of the things that I hate about my parents. (Yes, we all have "parent issues" in varying degrees.) Burn the list. (I did - it was very cathartic and I had a emotional hangover).
2. List all of the things that I love about my parents. This was an amazing exercise, and really opened up a lot of feelings of love and connection. Sweet! I will treasure this list and add to it over time. In fact, I am thinking about typing them on strips of paper and putting them in a jar to pull out on occassion. You know, kind of like "love M&Ms".
3. List all of people who love me, and why. (And also type this on strips of paper for the M&M love jar.)
4. Go to the grocery store and see how others connect with me and I with them. Journal on the experience.

This morning, I started work on #3. It was a very interesting, and I will describe the outcome.

I started with my husband. At first, the "whys" easily flowed. I spent 10 minutes before I hit a roadblock. I wanted to spend 30 minutes. This is good! One thing that we realized during our trip to Hawaii is that we want to expand our "love formula". For example, worry is part of our love formula. Does love mean that you worry about the other person? (Answer: for some, yes). Is this the "only" ingredient? No, but we discovered that it was a big part of our formula. So, hitting a roadblock means that I (we) just have more opportunity to grow in this way. Nice.... Feel free to try this one at home. :-)

I then moved to my sister Kathy and my friend Leigh. As I wrote about each one, I discovered that in many ways I am describing the same nature and depth of relationship. I have known my sister all of my life, and I have known Leigh for about 3 years. Both of them know that they can say anything to me and I will always love them. We have seen each other at our most vulnerable and know that it is safe. We are cheerleaders for each other. Our conversations are often filled with laughter, and they are both good at drawing out my quirky sense of humor. We are caring, loving, honest and heart connected. I love that both of them are in my life, and deeply honor our friendship.

Then I got to thinking - what if all my relationships were this way? Who would I be in order for that to happen? Hmmmmmm......

All the best! Love, Mj

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I Am Not Alone - Woo Hoo!

I recently was writing in an email to a friend that I am cherishing this time. My life feels like the Claritan commercial, where the veil of fog is peeled away and I am able to see the richness of color and beauty in the world. As I let go of emotions that I have been holding on to, I am feeling lighter, clearer and more connected.

My current experience is similar to Jill Bolte Taylor's experience described in the book "My Stroke of Insight". Two things that struck me about her book:

• During her stroke, the "ego chatter" from the left side of her brain was immediately silenced, and she was filled with a feeling of peace and oneness with the world as well as experiencing a richness of life that she described as "nirvana"
• During her recovery, she was vigilent about not letting the ego chatter rule her life again, was very purposeful about how she managed her energy, and how the energy of others (especially "energy vampires") impacted her

Thank goodness I don't need a medical intervention to help me create this! For that I am very grateful.

My husband had picked up a book for me a few weeks ago, titled "A Weekend to Change Your Life: Find Your Authentic Self After A Lifetime of Being All Things to All People" by Joan Anderson. She also has a NY Times best selling book titled "A Year By the Sea", where she took something akin to a one year sabbatical. Even in the first few pages, I can already see that I am not alone. There are many other people - women in particular - who are also experiencing what I am experiencing.

Do you remember the movie "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" (okay, I am old) where everyone had a vision of something in their head, they were trying to express it to others, and subsequently were all searching for that thing? Yeah, I am feeling like that. I am not alone.

This "clearing" I believe is the first step of a wonderful journey. I promise to share what I learn from this book and how I am applying the wisdom. Stay tuned!

All the best! Love, Mj

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When Media Encourages Our Right Brain

I was watching an episode of ER a few nights ago on TiVo. It was the episode where Dr. Morrison was working with Pratt's brother and remembering his friend Pratt. It brought tears to my eyes and brought up my own feelings of sadness. Sad movies and stories have made me cry. I was curious - why was I reacting deeper than before?

I realized that I thought the characters on the show knew he was a gifted doctor and also tolerated him for being a bragging bit of a jerk. I could see that they appreciated him for being true to himself, in all ways of being human. I never really paid attention before, and now I was seeing a lot more subtle dimensions to the relationships that were being portrayed. Again, it was like being red-green color blind and now being able to see not just the colors but many more shades of red and green. I have always recognized these feelings in others, the difference is now I am experiencing more freedom to feel them myself.

I pulled out my art supplies and started drawing in charcoal and pencil again last night. I have drawn many portraits over the years, and usually gave them away as gifts. I have always been focused on being accurate in my drawings, and capturing the person's image in a lifelike way. For the first time, I started to draw not with an intent of accuracy, but rather, capturing a feeling in the drawing.

A few days ago, I read "My Stroke of Insight" by Jill Bolte Taylor, PhD. She is a neuroscientist who had a stroke. She describes her experience of the stroke, and how different our left and right brain hemispheres are.

• Our left brain is more linear, logical, and concerned with delineating edges as well as promoting our identity and creating separateness.
• Our right brain is our seat of feeling at one with everything, creativity, feeling, in the moment presence and how we blend our existence in the world (the book has way more wonderful detail about this).

Since reading this book, I am much more aware of right brain versus left brain activity, and can see how this sabbatical is an exercise in right brain activity. I was looking at my old watercolor paintings and excited at the prospect of bringing color and light into this activity, of blending and playing not for an accurate rendering but for the sake of creativity and experimentation! My wonderful friend Leigh is always encouraging play in all that we do. LOL! I think she is rubbing off on this curmudgeon.

May you encourage your own creativity and give voice to your right brain!

All the best! ~~ Mj

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The Emotional Guidance Scale

Recently, I learned about the Emotional Guidance Scale and have found it to be a great tool for naming and experiencing emotions. This is from Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks.

1. Joy/Knowledge/Empowerment/Freedom/Love/Appreciation
2. Passion
3. Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
4. Positive Expectation/Belief
5. Optimism
6. Hopefulness
7. Contentment
8. Boredom
9. Pessimism
10. Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
11. Overwhelment
12. Disappointment
13. Doubt
14. Worry
15. Blame
16. Discouragement
17. Anger
18. Revenge
19. Hatred/Rage
20. Jealousy
21. Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
22. Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness

They way that I learned to use this scale is to 1) locate the emotion that I am feeling and fully experience it, then 2) look at the emotion that is above this emotion. This second emotion is the one that holds the true wisdom.

Yesterday, I wrote about feeling rage. If we rewind a few days, I was on a vision quest over the weekend. During this weekend, I was working on seeing the jealousy in my life. Fast forward to yesterday, where I was feeling rage and my fears about even feeling this emotion. Last night, I remembered to look at this list, and guess what is directly above jealousy!

What is the lesson in this? Often, we may be confused as to why we are feeling a certain way. This scale will help determine the feeling and the related feeling that we may be avoiding or have a limiting belief about. So for me, I have a lot of fear about rage, and doing work around my jealousy helped me open enough to see my relationship to rage. Now, I can see what's up for me there to help dissipate that fear and limiting belief.

And, I will say that I feel differently in this "opening up" process. It would be as if I were red/green color blind and now I can see those colors. The picture is much more complete. I had a strange dream last night, and in the dream I could see how I was jealous. Wow.

This work is directly related to creating desire, which is ultimately what I want to do on this sabbatical. For many years, I have not really desired much of anything although I thought I did. Unlocking and freeing up my emotions will help me get e-motion - energy in motion.

All the best! Love, Mj
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The Open Road Ahead

I have returned from Hawaii, and had a wonderful week away with my husband! We spent seven glorious days together and did some tourist things like see Pearl Harbor. I took a lot of pictures of some beautiful areas that it was hard to get the glory of what we were experiencing into the lens. We also spent a fair amount of time "doing nothing". We had a big fight and learned more about each other in that fight than ever before. And, we just enjoyed the peace and tranquilty of being in a very special place together.

He went home, and I stayed to participate in a vision quest. I would say that my reaction to that experience is mixed. I learned a lot about myself, and spent some time with some good friends. And, as par for everything that this sabbatical is all about, I am questioning everything.

As I am integrating my experience from the vision quest, it is clear to me that this is an opportunity for a one year experiment for me to push the edges of everything. I can see that I often operate out of "dense" negative energy and have some limiting beliefs about how I have constructed my life and how I should live. I have a bias that anything worthy must be hard won. Hunh.

I was also very angry and confused coming out of the vision quest. For a while yesterday, I was feeling tremendous rage. Yet, if you looked at me in that moment, I was quietly playing an electronic solitare game and showing no outward sign of what I was feeling inside. I could see in that moment that one of my greatest fears is that I will go into rage and hurt another.

Therefore, as a defense I have developed a stronghold on my feelings - anger and jealousy as well as feelings of joy and love - that prevent my ever feeling out of control. In doing this, I turn it inward, and because I strong arm it, it comes out in other more subtle and often insidious ways. Some friends have been surprised to hear that I ever get angry.

And yet, I know that I am a loving person. The Big Lie that I tell myself is that I am not, I am broken, I don't belong with others who live from their heart. My ego loves to whisper that in my ear. It is a siren song for me.

As with all of life, I can freely choose what I want my life to be. I can choose how I create this. I could use dynamite and blow everything up (make myself crazy and do it "the hard way"), or I can live in the moment to be present to what I want to create in that moment only. Just relax and the open road is whatever I create for myself in this moment.

In this moment, I choose to click on "publish post" and pour my heart into making dinner for tonight. :-)

All the best! Love, Mj

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Passion With a Particular Lens

The intent of this sabbatical is to more deeply explore my passion and desire. I have a creative side, and one of my passions is photography. I had been putting off buying a new camera for some time and was finding it hard to justify why I "need" it.

I was in Circuit City looking for a backup battery for my other camera and I walked by the Nikon SLRs. I thought about all the reasons why I shouldn't buy it and I stopped. I remembered the times that I was on vacation and totally absorbed with taking photos. I could see the world differently - I was paying a lot more attention to light, depth, color. I imagined printing the photo and adding it to our gallery. I thought about Francesco and what a wonderful photographer he is. He is a master at seeing the moment and I admire his beautiful talent.

Yes, I bought it. I have it with me here in Hawaii and have thoroughly enjoyed taking photos of the beautiful islands here. I keep imagining how it will be a vehicle for expression, and I love that idea!

All the best! Love, Mj

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The Effect of Living Backwards

I recently read a book by Heidi Julavits called "The Effect of Living Backwards". The book is hard to fully describe, and for me that is what made it delicious to read. It is the story of two sisters who are on a plane that gets hijacked, or appears to be. In the midst of this story you see Alice participate in a training program and see how she rewrites her own life story with deeper insight and new understanding. We can see the effect of living our life looking backwards.

This book is compared to Alice in Wonderland, where one never really knows what is real and what is an illusion. It continually questions our definition of self, ego, relationships and illusions. This is more complex than a mystery, where the astute observer tries to figure the mystery out before the detective does. The beauty of this book lies in us, the reader, willing to question our own views and definitions. The last few pages are lists of questions to probe the material in more depth, much like a college literature course would.

I applaud Heidi and her daring attempt to give us a platform to see ourselves in a different light. For me, it helped remind me how much 'illusion' I create in my life thru my ego, which is a lot of the work I have been doing over the last year. I thought it was well worth a few hours reading and enjoyment.

All the best! Love, Mj

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The Path to This Door

Several have inquired about what lead me to this decision and what I am looking for. The short answer is:

1. My life "wasn't working any more", in that I was not able to sustain the same pace, interest, drive and wisdom that I enjoyed in the past; and
2. I am not precisely sure "what" it is that I am looking for. On a grand scale, I am looking for peace and serenity, a centered existence where I work from a new personal power that is true to myself. I am in transition to stretch to a new level of maturity that doesn't require me to do more, but rather be more.

Now, the longer answer.

The hair that broke that camel's back is that I invested in a business this past summer and am closing it (already). I went into this decision thinking that this was what I really wanted to do at least for the next several years.

Leading to this decision to close the busiess was another big decision. As of March 1st, I stopped consulting. Being a change consultant was a huge component of my identity for a long time. I was very successful by all standards - income, relationships, international travel, bandwidth, etc.. I was traveling 110% of the time and was home for only a few days a month. However, in the last year, I ceased to be a change consultant. I was a shell that was going through the motions.

One could say it was burnout, but it was really more than that. It was not who I was. Not that I was "more" than that, or different than that. The business that I invested in conducts weekend seminars that significantly impact people's lives in many profound ways. It's still change in another venue.. I personally have changed in many profound ways over the last three years, and I believe that their work helped me get to the point of this transition. So I invested and thought that I was "all set".

And then it became like pushing a rock up hill. Not that running it is difficult. My business partner and I both came to this conclusion at the same time. It is well within our capabilities to do it. It is not our desire. The drive, the passion is not there. It's not that we are "less than", it is that we are longing to listen to our inner voice and sing our soul song.

The business entity will cease to exist. This - whatever "this" is - will morph into something else. That morphing process requires letting go of what we are attached to.

I have for all of my life listened to my intuiton. Last year at this time, my inner voice was saying (LOUDLY and repeatedly, by the way) "Clear your calendar as of January 2008. Create space for yourself and have nothing to do. You need time." Clearly, I did not listen and I am listening now. Ergo, my sabbatical.

I can see how I thought buying the center was a spiritual act and becoming more in line with my purpose of serving others. It was also in many ways working from ego. I still have moments of shame, guilt and embarrassment to admit what I had done, thinking what a stupid thing to do and how I am disappointing others. Now my ego is saying "be sure what you want before you act so you don't make another stupid move". (Come on, I have done dumber things with more money.) My inner voice is saying "immerse yourself in the journey and simply be in the moment". I like that voice much better.

So what is a sabbatical? I am stepping away and living in the moment. Much of this will be about the ego and the divine, and developing on all four levels -mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. Not just saying it, but truly living it.

I have a bias for action and I will be resisting the temptation to jump. It's not entirely clear what this path will be, and with all good paths, the journey and the destination will surprise me. There will be many lessons and breakthroughs along that way that I am willing to share. This is what I hope will evolve over the next year through this dialogue.

Your questions and comments are helping us both. I have gotten private emails and had conversations already that are shaping the path. Clearly, I am not alone and I invite you to join me in conversation!

All the best! Love, Mj

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The "Should Parade"

Yesterday was one of those "this is the first day of the rest of my life" kind of days. I put on the Wayne Dyer "Meditation for Manifesting" CD on the stereo and promptly walked into the bedroom. I started hanging curtains and I started to think "I should iron these". I walked back into the living area to get the ladder and hear Wayne chatting away. It realized I put it on because my friend recently recommended that I should listen to it.

Back to hanging curtains where I continued to play in my mind a litany of "shoulds". I decided to design a little experiment and list out every "should" and "should not" that occurs to me over the next two days. Fully distracted, I take out a sheet of paper and realize I need a LOT more paper. I retrieve a notebook and dutifully start to scribe everything that comes to me.

It suddenly occurred to me the lesson in this. By intentionally putting myself into the "should" exercise, I deeply understood how "shoulds" take me away from the present moment. I cannot be fully present when I am living in a "should".

Wow! I get it! How many times am I distracted by creating my "to do" list because I think that I want to write it down so I can forget about it and go back to the moment? I am trying to remember a time when I really did go back and live in the present moment. Ah yes, usually when I was in a boring meeting. Lots of to do list activity used to happen there.

I went back into the bedroom and for the first time really started to see the room. When I created it a few weeks ago, I had an intention to create a feeling of comfortable warmth, openess and light. In that moment and for the next 30 minutes, I was fully in the experience and full of wonderful joy!

To your wonderful moments....

All the best! Love, Mj

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My First Leap

In this first post, I will set a bit of context for this blog. This is titled "One Year in the Making". I am not sure what I am making in this year, but it will be an interesting growth experience I know. My intention is to let go and see what naturally arises. So, a bit of what this is and is not.

What this is:
... A place for me to reflect on my one year sabbatical.
... A check in. When I made my declaration, several people expressed interest in checking in with me along the way.
... A running commentary on my experience as I live in the present moment. I realize that I check my email far more often than I check in on my own experience.
... A way that may inspire your own thinking.
... A reflection of my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual self evolving.

What this is not:
... a debate about what is right or wrong. I respectfully encourage you to open your own blog. :-)
... my journal. I will be keeping a detailed journal, this will be a reflection of the highlights. Relax, I don't intend to bore you with the navel fuzz or toe crumb stuff.

Along the way, I will probably comment on how I came to this journey, why "now" and also my story up until now. I have been and will continue to rewrite my own history, which is part of this process which you will also probably see. I will probably gather some material from time to time and submit an article or two. I say "probably" because this will unfold. Time will tell what this becomes.

What is "coming up" for me is fear around a few things:

• Will I really commit to this for a year - the sabbatical and the blog? There is a siren song that is calling me to get real and get back to being productive. Can I really commit to this?
• This will come back to haunt me - a future employer will find this in the Google archives and think me a slacker, unpredictable and unreliable.
• This blog is open to the world. I am exposing my personal logic for all to see. There is fear about "being seen". I have spent much of my life hiding.
• People will think I am a failure, a loser, stupid, crazy and/or silly. Well, all of that can apply anyway. People will create and hold their own judgments about me whether I do this or not.
• I am trying to use this time to accelerate what will unfold naturally anyway, and losing a year of my life. I was losing integrity with myself and screwing up more and more so I am hitting the pause button for a year. If I kept going I would get over it anyway.

LOL! Wow, look at that. It's amazing how much fear is here. Okay, time to hit the "publish" button.

Love, Mj

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