If I Get Squeezed, What Comes Out?

Wayne Dyer in the DVD "Power of Intention" asks "If I squeeze myself, what comes out? Anger or love in action? It starts with loving myself".

My sister Nancy stopped talking to me. After I wrote this, I could see why she stopped talking to me.

What I see in her I am not willing to see in myself; I cloak myself in denial, and worse - superiority. In many ways, we are alike and we both have been working on "personal development" for a long time trying to "fix" ourselves. I cannot change my past interactions with her. I can take responsibility for what I have done. I can choose to let go and be present to who she is in the moment. I can monitor if I am working above the line or below, and shift my choices at any time. (See the post "A Moment to Pause and Be" for an explanation of above/below the line.) What I receive back from her will be an indication of what I am sending to her.

...

I have been:

• Revengeful - getting back at her when I feel abused
• Disappointed - that she "isn't changing" or "changing fast enough" for me (my selfish motive)
• Jealous - that she has wonderful talents, and a great relationship with her kids
• Angry - that my time and attention is being used, when in reality, I choose not to be proactive (I am passive / aggressive)
• Angry - that she will "monopolize the conversation" (my perception) when what she probably wanted to feel was heard and understood. I held that back out of revenge
• Blame - I gave her money used it for manipulation
• Insecure - in my ability to relate to her and love her as she is
• Powerless - that I can't change her
• Feeling Out of Control - that I can't manipulate us into a better relationship, and therefore, I would "take control" of conversations
• Inadequate and Frustrated - I am a change agent, a coach, an "expert" and I can't influence (manipulate, really) her positively

After reading this list, I was amazed that she didn't stop talking to me a long time ago. She loved me and kept trying. When I get "squeezed" in conversations with her, not a lot of good stuff comes out. I withdraw and focus on what is going on with me rather than focus on both of us (her needs and my needs).

I can shift and do the following:

• Center in my heart
• Listen with an open heart
• Reflect what I hear so she "feels heard" - and ask her if she does feel heard
• Honor my own feelings and be willing to talk openly about what we both want
• Ask her what she wants in this moment - not the past, not the future

This is a good start but I have a ways to go. Some things concern me, and I will "sit in the question" for a while on this:

• I can intellectually admit to this, and yet am not feeling it "emotionally". Am I avoiding other feelings by intellectualizing?
• Am I looking for emotional drama? Am I controlling my emotions? Can I simply shift and come from a different place without empathizing with how she must have felt?
• Am I still angry and protecting myself? I have a tendency to get "holier than thou" and superior. She feels "analyzed" by me (read this: judged). Am I reaching for a higher emotion ("positive") while really working under the table and creating mischief? Certainly this will keep us stuck just where we are and feeling unfulfilled.
• Am I really ready to create a different relationship? Can I envision a different relationship? I have started to journal on what that could be, and I am not feeling the love here. I am not keeping it from her, I am keeping it from myself.

As much as I want to control her emotions and desires so that she could be "better" (judging again), I can only create what I want and be that. What I send out, I get back. And it's not looking too pretty. She is a wonderful teacher and I have some work to do.

With much love and gratitude for all the teachers in my life ~~ Mj

...

Note: Photo from Sush Bhattarai and check out the excellent gallery at http://www.pbase.com/sbhattar/profile