The Open Road Ahead

I have returned from Hawaii, and had a wonderful week away with my husband! We spent seven glorious days together and did some tourist things like see Pearl Harbor. I took a lot of pictures of some beautiful areas that it was hard to get the glory of what we were experiencing into the lens. We also spent a fair amount of time "doing nothing". We had a big fight and learned more about each other in that fight than ever before. And, we just enjoyed the peace and tranquilty of being in a very special place together.

He went home, and I stayed to participate in a vision quest. I would say that my reaction to that experience is mixed. I learned a lot about myself, and spent some time with some good friends. And, as par for everything that this sabbatical is all about, I am questioning everything.

As I am integrating my experience from the vision quest, it is clear to me that this is an opportunity for a one year experiment for me to push the edges of everything. I can see that I often operate out of "dense" negative energy and have some limiting beliefs about how I have constructed my life and how I should live. I have a bias that anything worthy must be hard won. Hunh.

I was also very angry and confused coming out of the vision quest. For a while yesterday, I was feeling tremendous rage. Yet, if you looked at me in that moment, I was quietly playing an electronic solitare game and showing no outward sign of what I was feeling inside. I could see in that moment that one of my greatest fears is that I will go into rage and hurt another.

Therefore, as a defense I have developed a stronghold on my feelings - anger and jealousy as well as feelings of joy and love - that prevent my ever feeling out of control. In doing this, I turn it inward, and because I strong arm it, it comes out in other more subtle and often insidious ways. Some friends have been surprised to hear that I ever get angry.

And yet, I know that I am a loving person. The Big Lie that I tell myself is that I am not, I am broken, I don't belong with others who live from their heart. My ego loves to whisper that in my ear. It is a siren song for me.

As with all of life, I can freely choose what I want my life to be. I can choose how I create this. I could use dynamite and blow everything up (make myself crazy and do it "the hard way"), or I can live in the moment to be present to what I want to create in that moment only. Just relax and the open road is whatever I create for myself in this moment.

In this moment, I choose to click on "publish post" and pour my heart into making dinner for tonight. :-)

All the best! Love, Mj