Closing a Chapter

I wanted to post an entry that closes a chapter on some work that I have been doing over the last few weeks. In "The Actor and the Observer Part II" I talked about dealing with my anger. I am happy to report that I have made significant progress!

My goal was to let go of holding on to my anger. Anger is neither good nor bad, it is an emotion that we all experience that provides us information and insight. Holding onto anger or being angry at someone are not healthy ways to experience anger. Using anger to fight injustice or protect our own healthy boundaries are ways that we experience anger to enhance our lives.

A few days after that last blog entry, I was writing my morning pages and started to journal on my angry emotions (again). I actually said "when do I finally let go of this???" (said angrily, of course :-). Fear was keeping me from letting go. I fully went into the experience of my anger with the same visualization as before, and stayed with it. I could feel a burning sensation in my abdomen. I laid down on the bed and it felt like a black, tarry mass oozed out (yup - bizarre, but true. I've had stranger things happen, really). Afterwards, I have to say - I felt clear inside, like water.

It was as if my anger was not only the key, but the fuel and the vehicle that were carrying me around in my life. I was tapping into that anger to get my motivation going. Feedback was received as criticism ("Ego takes everything personally" Eckert Tolle, A New Earth). That day, I left the key on the seat and got out of the car. I am walking around and exploring a whole new terrain! It is different and unfamiliar, and full of beauty. Since that experience two weeks ago, I have felt lighter. It opened up my ability to feel deep gratitude and to truly be in service to others.

In the previous blog entry, I mentioned that a person was "holding the energy" for me regarding my inability to express my anger. Freud called this "transference", and here is a Wikipedia entry that explains in more detail what this is. It is natural and we all do this.

Here is my explanation: Think of a time that you met a person and they seem to annoy you and you don't know why. It is likely that person reminds you of someone else, and it triggers certain emotions for you. That is transference. You are living out the other relationship with this person in this moment. I spent the weekend with the person who I was creating transference with, and it is gone. She did not need to change, I did.

Since I have started this sabbatical, I have owned up to the things that I was doing in several relationships that were not loving and supportive. I was feeling shame while doing it. Since then, my relationships with my sister, my mother and my friend from the weekend have improved. My brother called me this weekend to share the news that he got a new job, which was unusual and it made my day! My marriage is blossoming. I feel deeper connections with the many friends who bless my life in so many ways. It started with me getting real about what I was doing and taking responsibility to create what I really wanted.

So, I am now officially closing the chapter on this unhealthy way of holding on to anger. I will still get angry but I will be aware of how and when, and what will serve me and the other person. It's just good information, like any other emotion...

With much love and gratitude, Mj