The Actor and the Observer, Part II

I did some work this morning, a lot of processing before 10 am. I am taking the rest of the day off after this blog entry. ;-) And, it is a continuation of last week.

In order to complete a cycle of deep transformative change, we process through several layers - mental, emotional, phsycial and spiritual. I will use this experience to describe how I am working through the layers. This may help you with your new years resolutions.

I mentioned in a previous post that I fear my own anger. Your sticking point might be sadness, fear, disappointment, powerlessness, hurt, depression, grief, insecurity, shame, jealousy, etc. Is there a particular relationship or place where you get "stuck" all the time? Do you follow a predictable pattern?

My typical sequence of change is spiritual, mental, emotional and physical. As you read this, think about your typical sequence. By spiritual, I mean connected to my purpose, not religion or doctrine. Last week, I was able to experience a broader context of my purpose and my life in meditation and contemplation. I opened myself to seeing more possibilities in everything. And, I was able to understand intellectually what it means to experience dichotomies.

Today, I was writing my morning pages and I wandered into the topic of my anger. I had an experience this morning where the feeling of anger "popped up" and I was surprised. I have a firm hold on anger, and from time to time it "leaks" out or bubbles up.

I wanted to pursue this further. There are only two emotions - love and fear. If anger is fear, then what do I fear? Being out of control and hurting another person. The person that I fear hurting is the person that I perceive is trying to control me, which becomes an authority figure for me. My earliest experiences with this was in my childhood. As a child, I couldn't express anger against my parents, my mother in particular.

I also had another experience when I was in my early 20s and I was attending respiratory therapy school. There was a student in my class named Tammy who was also the wife of the director of the department (read this: power and authority). At the time, I was poor and barely able to cover my bills and needs. Tammy would poke at me continuously at the clothes I wore, the food I ate, etc. I did not know how to defend myself and would keep "taking it". One day, I could take it no more, and I went crazy. I almost put her through a wall. She became "dead" to me. And, I saw the fear in her eyes and (this is the important part) I swore that I would never lose control like that again. I forever put my anger away in a vault. I would never do that to anyone ever again.

I have a friend in my life right now who is holding this energy for me. She knows that she is, and in my saner moments I can see how much she loves me. And, this is someone that I love.

In my mind, I cannot express myself because I cannot hurt her. I envisioned going into anger with her as I journaled this morning and I sobbed in this experience. I am feeling it now, I am trembling and crying as I write this. It feels like a gaping tear in my heart. I feel the same way when I fight with my husband.

I don't know how to get angry and still love someone, still stay connected. Connection is what I value above everything else in my life. I don't know how to stand up for myself and keep loving. Of course, I can choose whatever I want and this doesn't have to be true. I can intellectually hold a dichotomy, now it is time to experience it in my emotions. As I work through the emotion I am ready to move into action. I am tired of this being in my life and am ready to move on.

I hope that this can give you some insight on what may be creating mischief in your life and that you have the courage to explore it deeper. I know that on the other side of this I will experience freedom and joy, and that is why I am pursuing this.

Whew. This is a really big day for me, and just part of the "clearing" process that we all go through. Thanks for being with me on this journey.

With much love, Mj