A Tribute to My Father

I would like to celebrate this Thanksgiving holiday with a tribute to my father. About the age that I am now, he made a significant change in his life. He and my mother both volunteered as team members on an alcoholism outreach team at our church. My father stayed on the team for over 25 years, and eventually became the team leader. He would spend many evenings and even "all nighters" working with families to help people get help for their condition. The ripple effects were enormous. He did a million little things, and that made all the difference in the lives of so many families, friends and coworkers.

He passed away about 10 years ago, and before he died he wanted to make sure that someone kept the team alive. No one was eager to take his place and I think he was disappointed that others could not see the importance of this work. In hindsight, I think my father did not understand that this work was his unique contribution of his purpose in this world. It was his soul's calling and his voice, not be to duplicated or imitated. When he was ready to leave this earth, his work was complete. The work would carry on, in a different form.

There is a saying that "Imitation is the highest form of compliment". I disagree. I believe that inspiration is the highest form of compliment. Our task is to be inspired by others to pick up our own baton, to walk in the world with our unique contribution. My father is still inspiring me, even today. Thanks, Dad. I love you.

My wish for you is that you know and live your own unique contribution! With much love and gratitude, Mj

Read more...

Still Laughing....

Today, I have been completely amused with an ecard website - http://www.someecards.com. After looking closer at this site, apparently it is full of cards that have been developed by the users of the site (talk about the power of collaboration!). And, many are quite irreverent. Okay, so I have been sitting here laughing my _____ off like a college sophmore (no offense intended). My brother in law Danny - who finds and sends the grossest birthday cards ever made - will love it!!!

Warning - those who proudly display their certificate from sensitivity training need not click and troll.

All the best! ~~ Mj

Read more...

Learning, Sweet Learning

I spent this past weekend at a session entitled “Learning and Protection”. The purpose of the weekend is to teach us ways to help others (and ourselves) learn how to pause, to identify when we are protecting ourselves and how we can shift to learning in the moment. It is in these moments that we can actively choose our response and we have the most freedom. We learned some wonderful tools that I will be able to apply in coaching with my clients.

I learned a great deal during the weekend, and one of my greatest moments of learning happened afterwards. I was with Inge and Jane and were talking about children. Jane asked if I ever wanted children. My response was an immediate and emphatic “no”. She inquired why, and I started to cry. Inge asked, “why the tears?” With that simple question, I learned a lot in the short span of several minutes. In fact, I am still learning.

I was raised during the days of “spare the rod, spoil the child”. I have spent many years and many dollars unraveling my early childhood experiences. In that moment, I could see that I decided many years ago that I would not have children. I did not want to raise a child the way that I had been raised, and in essence, was protecting children that I might have had - from me. I felt like I had a “bad seed”. I didn’t trust myself enough to be able to parent differently.

I can see how I made this decision out of revenge and anger. I can remember times that I was jealous of parents who had wonderful relationships with their children. There is a feeling of deep sadness and mourning in this. Perhaps I am mourning the child I could have had, I don't know. There is a lot of emotion mixed in and bundled up in here.

And, I can see how over the past year I have started to enjoy being with children and feeling very connected to them in my heart. I love being with parents, especially parents who teach Redirecting Children’s Behavior. Sparkle called me this morning to ask me to buy a copy of a children's book that she is publishing, and with a lot of joy in my heart I said yes.

My impact in this world is not through my own children - time has passed me by on this one. I have many, many opportunities to be loving and present to adults and children for the rest of my days. I can lovingly support adults who are parents. I can lovingly support authors who write books for children. There are many opportunities.... Woo hoo!

True lasting change begins with a deep awareness of where we are at – truly – and having acceptance in that moment. With the simple question of “why the tears” and the support of Inge and Jane I was able to accept all the things that came to the surface in that very powerful moment. I am very grateful to all my friends who were with me this weekend, and how our time together helped me be vulnerable and see the truth.

With much love and gratitude, Mj
.

Read more...

Who Loves You?

A have been in conversation via phone and email with quite a few people who are reading this blog. Thank you! It is encouraging to know that these entries "speak" to your own experience, and your questions and comments are very thought provoking. I like to think that together we are co-creating this!

My friend Mac asked me to do a few coaching exercises that have been helpful. I'll briefly describe the exercises.

1. List all of the things that I hate about my parents. (Yes, we all have "parent issues" in varying degrees.) Burn the list. (I did - it was very cathartic and I had a emotional hangover).
2. List all of the things that I love about my parents. This was an amazing exercise, and really opened up a lot of feelings of love and connection. Sweet! I will treasure this list and add to it over time. In fact, I am thinking about typing them on strips of paper and putting them in a jar to pull out on occassion. You know, kind of like "love M&Ms".
3. List all of people who love me, and why. (And also type this on strips of paper for the M&M love jar.)
4. Go to the grocery store and see how others connect with me and I with them. Journal on the experience.

This morning, I started work on #3. It was a very interesting, and I will describe the outcome.

I started with my husband. At first, the "whys" easily flowed. I spent 10 minutes before I hit a roadblock. I wanted to spend 30 minutes. This is good! One thing that we realized during our trip to Hawaii is that we want to expand our "love formula". For example, worry is part of our love formula. Does love mean that you worry about the other person? (Answer: for some, yes). Is this the "only" ingredient? No, but we discovered that it was a big part of our formula. So, hitting a roadblock means that I (we) just have more opportunity to grow in this way. Nice.... Feel free to try this one at home. :-)

I then moved to my sister Kathy and my friend Leigh. As I wrote about each one, I discovered that in many ways I am describing the same nature and depth of relationship. I have known my sister all of my life, and I have known Leigh for about 3 years. Both of them know that they can say anything to me and I will always love them. We have seen each other at our most vulnerable and know that it is safe. We are cheerleaders for each other. Our conversations are often filled with laughter, and they are both good at drawing out my quirky sense of humor. We are caring, loving, honest and heart connected. I love that both of them are in my life, and deeply honor our friendship.

Then I got to thinking - what if all my relationships were this way? Who would I be in order for that to happen? Hmmmmmm......

All the best! Love, Mj

Read more...

I Am Not Alone - Woo Hoo!

I recently was writing in an email to a friend that I am cherishing this time. My life feels like the Claritan commercial, where the veil of fog is peeled away and I am able to see the richness of color and beauty in the world. As I let go of emotions that I have been holding on to, I am feeling lighter, clearer and more connected.

My current experience is similar to Jill Bolte Taylor's experience described in the book "My Stroke of Insight". Two things that struck me about her book:

• During her stroke, the "ego chatter" from the left side of her brain was immediately silenced, and she was filled with a feeling of peace and oneness with the world as well as experiencing a richness of life that she described as "nirvana"
• During her recovery, she was vigilent about not letting the ego chatter rule her life again, was very purposeful about how she managed her energy, and how the energy of others (especially "energy vampires") impacted her

Thank goodness I don't need a medical intervention to help me create this! For that I am very grateful.

My husband had picked up a book for me a few weeks ago, titled "A Weekend to Change Your Life: Find Your Authentic Self After A Lifetime of Being All Things to All People" by Joan Anderson. She also has a NY Times best selling book titled "A Year By the Sea", where she took something akin to a one year sabbatical. Even in the first few pages, I can already see that I am not alone. There are many other people - women in particular - who are also experiencing what I am experiencing.

Do you remember the movie "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" (okay, I am old) where everyone had a vision of something in their head, they were trying to express it to others, and subsequently were all searching for that thing? Yeah, I am feeling like that. I am not alone.

This "clearing" I believe is the first step of a wonderful journey. I promise to share what I learn from this book and how I am applying the wisdom. Stay tuned!

All the best! Love, Mj

Read more...

When Media Encourages Our Right Brain

I was watching an episode of ER a few nights ago on TiVo. It was the episode where Dr. Morrison was working with Pratt's brother and remembering his friend Pratt. It brought tears to my eyes and brought up my own feelings of sadness. Sad movies and stories have made me cry. I was curious - why was I reacting deeper than before?

I realized that I thought the characters on the show knew he was a gifted doctor and also tolerated him for being a bragging bit of a jerk. I could see that they appreciated him for being true to himself, in all ways of being human. I never really paid attention before, and now I was seeing a lot more subtle dimensions to the relationships that were being portrayed. Again, it was like being red-green color blind and now being able to see not just the colors but many more shades of red and green. I have always recognized these feelings in others, the difference is now I am experiencing more freedom to feel them myself.

I pulled out my art supplies and started drawing in charcoal and pencil again last night. I have drawn many portraits over the years, and usually gave them away as gifts. I have always been focused on being accurate in my drawings, and capturing the person's image in a lifelike way. For the first time, I started to draw not with an intent of accuracy, but rather, capturing a feeling in the drawing.

A few days ago, I read "My Stroke of Insight" by Jill Bolte Taylor, PhD. She is a neuroscientist who had a stroke. She describes her experience of the stroke, and how different our left and right brain hemispheres are.

• Our left brain is more linear, logical, and concerned with delineating edges as well as promoting our identity and creating separateness.
• Our right brain is our seat of feeling at one with everything, creativity, feeling, in the moment presence and how we blend our existence in the world (the book has way more wonderful detail about this).

Since reading this book, I am much more aware of right brain versus left brain activity, and can see how this sabbatical is an exercise in right brain activity. I was looking at my old watercolor paintings and excited at the prospect of bringing color and light into this activity, of blending and playing not for an accurate rendering but for the sake of creativity and experimentation! My wonderful friend Leigh is always encouraging play in all that we do. LOL! I think she is rubbing off on this curmudgeon.

May you encourage your own creativity and give voice to your right brain!

All the best! ~~ Mj

Read more...

The Emotional Guidance Scale

Recently, I learned about the Emotional Guidance Scale and have found it to be a great tool for naming and experiencing emotions. This is from Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks.

1. Joy/Knowledge/Empowerment/Freedom/Love/Appreciation
2. Passion
3. Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
4. Positive Expectation/Belief
5. Optimism
6. Hopefulness
7. Contentment
8. Boredom
9. Pessimism
10. Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
11. Overwhelment
12. Disappointment
13. Doubt
14. Worry
15. Blame
16. Discouragement
17. Anger
18. Revenge
19. Hatred/Rage
20. Jealousy
21. Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
22. Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness

They way that I learned to use this scale is to 1) locate the emotion that I am feeling and fully experience it, then 2) look at the emotion that is above this emotion. This second emotion is the one that holds the true wisdom.

Yesterday, I wrote about feeling rage. If we rewind a few days, I was on a vision quest over the weekend. During this weekend, I was working on seeing the jealousy in my life. Fast forward to yesterday, where I was feeling rage and my fears about even feeling this emotion. Last night, I remembered to look at this list, and guess what is directly above jealousy!

What is the lesson in this? Often, we may be confused as to why we are feeling a certain way. This scale will help determine the feeling and the related feeling that we may be avoiding or have a limiting belief about. So for me, I have a lot of fear about rage, and doing work around my jealousy helped me open enough to see my relationship to rage. Now, I can see what's up for me there to help dissipate that fear and limiting belief.

And, I will say that I feel differently in this "opening up" process. It would be as if I were red/green color blind and now I can see those colors. The picture is much more complete. I had a strange dream last night, and in the dream I could see how I was jealous. Wow.

This work is directly related to creating desire, which is ultimately what I want to do on this sabbatical. For many years, I have not really desired much of anything although I thought I did. Unlocking and freeing up my emotions will help me get e-motion - energy in motion.

All the best! Love, Mj
.

Read more...

The Open Road Ahead

I have returned from Hawaii, and had a wonderful week away with my husband! We spent seven glorious days together and did some tourist things like see Pearl Harbor. I took a lot of pictures of some beautiful areas that it was hard to get the glory of what we were experiencing into the lens. We also spent a fair amount of time "doing nothing". We had a big fight and learned more about each other in that fight than ever before. And, we just enjoyed the peace and tranquilty of being in a very special place together.

He went home, and I stayed to participate in a vision quest. I would say that my reaction to that experience is mixed. I learned a lot about myself, and spent some time with some good friends. And, as par for everything that this sabbatical is all about, I am questioning everything.

As I am integrating my experience from the vision quest, it is clear to me that this is an opportunity for a one year experiment for me to push the edges of everything. I can see that I often operate out of "dense" negative energy and have some limiting beliefs about how I have constructed my life and how I should live. I have a bias that anything worthy must be hard won. Hunh.

I was also very angry and confused coming out of the vision quest. For a while yesterday, I was feeling tremendous rage. Yet, if you looked at me in that moment, I was quietly playing an electronic solitare game and showing no outward sign of what I was feeling inside. I could see in that moment that one of my greatest fears is that I will go into rage and hurt another.

Therefore, as a defense I have developed a stronghold on my feelings - anger and jealousy as well as feelings of joy and love - that prevent my ever feeling out of control. In doing this, I turn it inward, and because I strong arm it, it comes out in other more subtle and often insidious ways. Some friends have been surprised to hear that I ever get angry.

And yet, I know that I am a loving person. The Big Lie that I tell myself is that I am not, I am broken, I don't belong with others who live from their heart. My ego loves to whisper that in my ear. It is a siren song for me.

As with all of life, I can freely choose what I want my life to be. I can choose how I create this. I could use dynamite and blow everything up (make myself crazy and do it "the hard way"), or I can live in the moment to be present to what I want to create in that moment only. Just relax and the open road is whatever I create for myself in this moment.

In this moment, I choose to click on "publish post" and pour my heart into making dinner for tonight. :-)

All the best! Love, Mj

Read more...

Passion With a Particular Lens

The intent of this sabbatical is to more deeply explore my passion and desire. I have a creative side, and one of my passions is photography. I had been putting off buying a new camera for some time and was finding it hard to justify why I "need" it.

I was in Circuit City looking for a backup battery for my other camera and I walked by the Nikon SLRs. I thought about all the reasons why I shouldn't buy it and I stopped. I remembered the times that I was on vacation and totally absorbed with taking photos. I could see the world differently - I was paying a lot more attention to light, depth, color. I imagined printing the photo and adding it to our gallery. I thought about Francesco and what a wonderful photographer he is. He is a master at seeing the moment and I admire his beautiful talent.

Yes, I bought it. I have it with me here in Hawaii and have thoroughly enjoyed taking photos of the beautiful islands here. I keep imagining how it will be a vehicle for expression, and I love that idea!

All the best! Love, Mj

Read more...