Two Month Check In

It has been two months since I started this sabbatical - time has been short and long at the same time. I wanted to do a check in summary of what I have experienced in these weeks, and some of the changes that have happened with me. These are in no particular order.

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Being Present - I have been aware of being present in every moment. An easy way for me to start was to stop multitasking and do only one thing. Some examples: I am fully present to the experience of eating. I still create a "to do" list, and then I pick it up, select one item and do only that. When I get a phone call, I usually can drop everything and sometimes even go into a room alone so I can fully be present on the phone call.

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Ken Saunders, a friend of mine, always tells me: "You need to go slow to go fast". I have truly experienced this. Everything has been easier for me - relationships, tasks, etc. It has also enabled me to focus on the intention, especially when I am in service to another. Nice......

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Consolidation - I mentioned at the beginning of this journey that I wanted to pay attention to four levels of development - mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. I felt rather disconnected in that my emotional and physical self were lagging behind, and my mental and spiritual self was "out there". I could "know" things intellectually, but it wasn't always fully integrated for me.

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I feel more holistic, integrated and "even" in my levels of development. When I am stressed, my least developed aspect of my self is likely to arise, and yes, I may act like a four year old. It simply means that I have a trigger and an opportunity to look within to see what else is up for me. When this does happen, it now short lived and I am back in the groove quickly.

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I also have been paying closer attention to my diet, and physically I am getting more sensitive to foods (especially sugar). The more I shift to a natural diet (less processed food), I feel lighter overall and more even and centered in my emotions.

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Appreciation vs. Jealousy - This one has brought me great joy! There have been moments when I hear about another person's accomplishment or living his/her dream, and deep inside I was feeling jealous. On the vision quest in Hawaii, the group from Global helped me see my jealousy. I was an eye opening experience to look back through my life at how pervasive it was in my life. Since then, it has became easier to spot and shift in the moment.

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I also started to feel more at peace with this sabbatical. The Gremlin Ego likes to whisper "you're falling behind", "you are not in the action", "what are you doing?", blah blah blah.... As I focused on tending to my own present moment, jealousy melted away like an ice cube. As the jealousy melted away, I began to feel deeper and deeper appreciation and joy for the other person. NICE......

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"I am Broken" / "I am Enough" - This one confuses people. Over the years, I have collected degrees, certificates, awards, and compiled an impressive resume. About 10 years ago I heard "People get a Ph.D. to prove how smart they are". In that moment, I thought "ew - that's me!". I have always operated from a feeling of being broken - not smart enough, not mature enough, not pretty enough.... etc. etc. Underneath many of those accomplishments, I was always proving myself. Consulting fed this frenzy in me in that consultants always are striving to "prove their value". Clever how I designed my life, eh?

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Several times in my life, I have felt like my brain was rewired. My first experience was when I finished my comprehensive exams in graduate school. It was six months of very intensive study and integrating information. When I finished the exams, I felt like I didn't know how to think anymore. I literally had to relearn how to think. It is true that we can reconstruct our brains (see the book "My Stroke of Insight").

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Why do I mention this? In the last eight weeks, I feel like my emotions have been rewired. I feel much more "consolidated". The most striking effect I noticed is that I operate with the assumption "I am enough".

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WOW! What's next?

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Enjoy your day! Love, Mj

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If I Get Squeezed, What Comes Out?

Wayne Dyer in the DVD "Power of Intention" asks "If I squeeze myself, what comes out? Anger or love in action? It starts with loving myself".

My sister Nancy stopped talking to me. After I wrote this, I could see why she stopped talking to me.

What I see in her I am not willing to see in myself; I cloak myself in denial, and worse - superiority. In many ways, we are alike and we both have been working on "personal development" for a long time trying to "fix" ourselves. I cannot change my past interactions with her. I can take responsibility for what I have done. I can choose to let go and be present to who she is in the moment. I can monitor if I am working above the line or below, and shift my choices at any time. (See the post "A Moment to Pause and Be" for an explanation of above/below the line.) What I receive back from her will be an indication of what I am sending to her.

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I have been:

• Revengeful - getting back at her when I feel abused
• Disappointed - that she "isn't changing" or "changing fast enough" for me (my selfish motive)
• Jealous - that she has wonderful talents, and a great relationship with her kids
• Angry - that my time and attention is being used, when in reality, I choose not to be proactive (I am passive / aggressive)
• Angry - that she will "monopolize the conversation" (my perception) when what she probably wanted to feel was heard and understood. I held that back out of revenge
• Blame - I gave her money used it for manipulation
• Insecure - in my ability to relate to her and love her as she is
• Powerless - that I can't change her
• Feeling Out of Control - that I can't manipulate us into a better relationship, and therefore, I would "take control" of conversations
• Inadequate and Frustrated - I am a change agent, a coach, an "expert" and I can't influence (manipulate, really) her positively

After reading this list, I was amazed that she didn't stop talking to me a long time ago. She loved me and kept trying. When I get "squeezed" in conversations with her, not a lot of good stuff comes out. I withdraw and focus on what is going on with me rather than focus on both of us (her needs and my needs).

I can shift and do the following:

• Center in my heart
• Listen with an open heart
• Reflect what I hear so she "feels heard" - and ask her if she does feel heard
• Honor my own feelings and be willing to talk openly about what we both want
• Ask her what she wants in this moment - not the past, not the future

This is a good start but I have a ways to go. Some things concern me, and I will "sit in the question" for a while on this:

• I can intellectually admit to this, and yet am not feeling it "emotionally". Am I avoiding other feelings by intellectualizing?
• Am I looking for emotional drama? Am I controlling my emotions? Can I simply shift and come from a different place without empathizing with how she must have felt?
• Am I still angry and protecting myself? I have a tendency to get "holier than thou" and superior. She feels "analyzed" by me (read this: judged). Am I reaching for a higher emotion ("positive") while really working under the table and creating mischief? Certainly this will keep us stuck just where we are and feeling unfulfilled.
• Am I really ready to create a different relationship? Can I envision a different relationship? I have started to journal on what that could be, and I am not feeling the love here. I am not keeping it from her, I am keeping it from myself.

As much as I want to control her emotions and desires so that she could be "better" (judging again), I can only create what I want and be that. What I send out, I get back. And it's not looking too pretty. She is a wonderful teacher and I have some work to do.

With much love and gratitude for all the teachers in my life ~~ Mj

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Note: Photo from Sush Bhattarai and check out the excellent gallery at http://www.pbase.com/sbhattar/profile

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Back from Solitude....

I am back from my three days of solitude, and it was a wonderful experience. I experienced many insights and breakthroughs that I will share over time.

For all my life, I have been very intuitive and for a long LONG time have tried to put it under a bushel. No more.... A few signs pointed me to a book called "The Artist's Way" and for the first time in a very long time I am excited! I am filled with glee and did the "happy dance" when I read the first few chapters. Woo hoo!

For about a year I have been using Ascended Master cards (like angel cards). The most consistent card that I have pulled is Paul the Venetian who was a famous artist. Every time this card came up, I mentally pushed it away. No, no, no. I have a lot of artistic and musical talent, but I didn't want to go down that path.

The Artist's Way is pulling together many themes that have been occuring for me for the past year - identity, personal power, creativity, spiritual connection, Inner Child, commitment, ego vs. Divine, light vs. shadow, and love for myself and others. This book has a 12 week program that touches on all of these areas in a very disciplined and fun way. People who follow this program have reported life changing transformations and living lives that are now rich and engaging. I'll post updates on my progress over the next few months.

How clever of me to create this sabbatical! I can't rely on the excuse "I don't have time". More importantly, I created a gift of time for myself to enable me to be on this wonderful journey of discovery!

Ahhhhhhh......

With much love, Mj

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A Little Playing, A Little Solitude....

I had an awesome weekend with family. After dropping off hubby and mom at the airport, I drove to PA to spend the weekend.

Joe, Matthew and I spent the afternoon laughing and playing the card game "War". Saturday evening was the nativity school play and K of C spaghetti dinner (which was surprisingly delicious). Sunday was putting up decorations and watching football games.

Then, Matthew and I spent an evening together that I will cherish. We were both looking forward to our "alone" time on Sunday, when his parents celebrated their wedding anniversary. Matthew and I had dinner, he royally kicked my "boo-tay" in Wii (some Raving Raccuous Rabbid game) and we cuddled on the couch and watched Home Makeover together. Lots of laughter and memories that make me smile every time I think about them.

Now, I have an opportunity to take a break for the next few days, and spend three days alone. Really alone. No phone, no email, no Twitter or Facebook updates, no radio or TV. Just me and my journal and the silence of my own thoughts and feelings. I have been very excited at the prospect of being quiet. And, my ego has been saying, "come on, start doing something". Well, being quiet is doing something.

I have mentioned to some that I will be doing this, and the response has been mixed. Some think it is a cool idea (and a bit envious), and others are freaked out at the thought of being *really* alone for three days. The world is full of diversity, isn't it wonderful? What if everyone wanted to be alone?

I am setting my intention for these three days, and will report in on Friday on what I learned and discovered!

In the meantime, troll this website for a wonderful lift http://www.barbaramcafee.com/, especially "Navajo Chant": “When you were born, you cried and world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.”

Rejoice! Lots of love, Mj
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A Moment to Pause and Be

I was talking to my friend Nancy on the way home from an appointment, and we were talking about spirituality - what it is, what does it mean, what are we already doing. It was a great conversation and a lot of fun. I have learned over the years that we have four domains that we work in: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

She mentioned that she is reading The Power of Full Engagement and reviewing it with a friend. They invited me into the conversation and it is a wonderful dialogue! It specifically covers the four domains that I mentioned. Awesome!

Early in the book it mentions that everything starts with a purpose. It has been my experience that for many people, this is where we often get stumped. Do I have one? Is it "good enough"?

Over the last three years, I have done a lot of work with an organization called Global Relationship Centers. They have truly served as a bridge to helping me make so many wonderful and positive changes in my life.

On their website - http://www.grc333.com/ - there is a link on the right side of the page to a commitment chart. I use this chart often and in many ways. First, I realized how much I was living "below the line" (the red line on the chart). It took me a long time to not only see what I was doing, but also to see it with self acceptance. This enabled me to freely make a choice of working from "below the line" to "above the line". There is no pretending here - I can't "fake" that I am holding a higher intention.

Second, my purpose also resides on the commitment chart - both my life's purpose and my commitment and intention in the moment. Over time, I have been strengthening my commitment to my husband, my family, and my community by living more from my heart. It does not matter "how high" we are working on the chart (oh, competitive ones....) Every level creates positive impact.

About 12 years ago I read the Conversations with God series by Neale Donald Walsh, and it changed my life forever. At that time, I was given 12 words to live by:

Purpose, Service, Gratitude

Pure in heart
Genuine in deed
Holy in spirit

I do know that the more I live by these 12 words, the happier my life has been. These 12 words apply to all levels above the line on the commitent chart. This blog is fulfilling my purpose and helping me to live these 12 words. And in this moment as I "pause and be", this is quite fulfilling.

Ahhhhhh........

All the best! Love, Mj

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