The Effect of Living Backwards

I recently read a book by Heidi Julavits called "The Effect of Living Backwards". The book is hard to fully describe, and for me that is what made it delicious to read. It is the story of two sisters who are on a plane that gets hijacked, or appears to be. In the midst of this story you see Alice participate in a training program and see how she rewrites her own life story with deeper insight and new understanding. We can see the effect of living our life looking backwards.

This book is compared to Alice in Wonderland, where one never really knows what is real and what is an illusion. It continually questions our definition of self, ego, relationships and illusions. This is more complex than a mystery, where the astute observer tries to figure the mystery out before the detective does. The beauty of this book lies in us, the reader, willing to question our own views and definitions. The last few pages are lists of questions to probe the material in more depth, much like a college literature course would.

I applaud Heidi and her daring attempt to give us a platform to see ourselves in a different light. For me, it helped remind me how much 'illusion' I create in my life thru my ego, which is a lot of the work I have been doing over the last year. I thought it was well worth a few hours reading and enjoyment.

All the best! Love, Mj

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The Path to This Door

Several have inquired about what lead me to this decision and what I am looking for. The short answer is:

1. My life "wasn't working any more", in that I was not able to sustain the same pace, interest, drive and wisdom that I enjoyed in the past; and
2. I am not precisely sure "what" it is that I am looking for. On a grand scale, I am looking for peace and serenity, a centered existence where I work from a new personal power that is true to myself. I am in transition to stretch to a new level of maturity that doesn't require me to do more, but rather be more.

Now, the longer answer.

The hair that broke that camel's back is that I invested in a business this past summer and am closing it (already). I went into this decision thinking that this was what I really wanted to do at least for the next several years.

Leading to this decision to close the busiess was another big decision. As of March 1st, I stopped consulting. Being a change consultant was a huge component of my identity for a long time. I was very successful by all standards - income, relationships, international travel, bandwidth, etc.. I was traveling 110% of the time and was home for only a few days a month. However, in the last year, I ceased to be a change consultant. I was a shell that was going through the motions.

One could say it was burnout, but it was really more than that. It was not who I was. Not that I was "more" than that, or different than that. The business that I invested in conducts weekend seminars that significantly impact people's lives in many profound ways. It's still change in another venue.. I personally have changed in many profound ways over the last three years, and I believe that their work helped me get to the point of this transition. So I invested and thought that I was "all set".

And then it became like pushing a rock up hill. Not that running it is difficult. My business partner and I both came to this conclusion at the same time. It is well within our capabilities to do it. It is not our desire. The drive, the passion is not there. It's not that we are "less than", it is that we are longing to listen to our inner voice and sing our soul song.

The business entity will cease to exist. This - whatever "this" is - will morph into something else. That morphing process requires letting go of what we are attached to.

I have for all of my life listened to my intuiton. Last year at this time, my inner voice was saying (LOUDLY and repeatedly, by the way) "Clear your calendar as of January 2008. Create space for yourself and have nothing to do. You need time." Clearly, I did not listen and I am listening now. Ergo, my sabbatical.

I can see how I thought buying the center was a spiritual act and becoming more in line with my purpose of serving others. It was also in many ways working from ego. I still have moments of shame, guilt and embarrassment to admit what I had done, thinking what a stupid thing to do and how I am disappointing others. Now my ego is saying "be sure what you want before you act so you don't make another stupid move". (Come on, I have done dumber things with more money.) My inner voice is saying "immerse yourself in the journey and simply be in the moment". I like that voice much better.

So what is a sabbatical? I am stepping away and living in the moment. Much of this will be about the ego and the divine, and developing on all four levels -mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. Not just saying it, but truly living it.

I have a bias for action and I will be resisting the temptation to jump. It's not entirely clear what this path will be, and with all good paths, the journey and the destination will surprise me. There will be many lessons and breakthroughs along that way that I am willing to share. This is what I hope will evolve over the next year through this dialogue.

Your questions and comments are helping us both. I have gotten private emails and had conversations already that are shaping the path. Clearly, I am not alone and I invite you to join me in conversation!

All the best! Love, Mj

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The "Should Parade"

Yesterday was one of those "this is the first day of the rest of my life" kind of days. I put on the Wayne Dyer "Meditation for Manifesting" CD on the stereo and promptly walked into the bedroom. I started hanging curtains and I started to think "I should iron these". I walked back into the living area to get the ladder and hear Wayne chatting away. It realized I put it on because my friend recently recommended that I should listen to it.

Back to hanging curtains where I continued to play in my mind a litany of "shoulds". I decided to design a little experiment and list out every "should" and "should not" that occurs to me over the next two days. Fully distracted, I take out a sheet of paper and realize I need a LOT more paper. I retrieve a notebook and dutifully start to scribe everything that comes to me.

It suddenly occurred to me the lesson in this. By intentionally putting myself into the "should" exercise, I deeply understood how "shoulds" take me away from the present moment. I cannot be fully present when I am living in a "should".

Wow! I get it! How many times am I distracted by creating my "to do" list because I think that I want to write it down so I can forget about it and go back to the moment? I am trying to remember a time when I really did go back and live in the present moment. Ah yes, usually when I was in a boring meeting. Lots of to do list activity used to happen there.

I went back into the bedroom and for the first time really started to see the room. When I created it a few weeks ago, I had an intention to create a feeling of comfortable warmth, openess and light. In that moment and for the next 30 minutes, I was fully in the experience and full of wonderful joy!

To your wonderful moments....

All the best! Love, Mj

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My First Leap

In this first post, I will set a bit of context for this blog. This is titled "One Year in the Making". I am not sure what I am making in this year, but it will be an interesting growth experience I know. My intention is to let go and see what naturally arises. So, a bit of what this is and is not.

What this is:
... A place for me to reflect on my one year sabbatical.
... A check in. When I made my declaration, several people expressed interest in checking in with me along the way.
... A running commentary on my experience as I live in the present moment. I realize that I check my email far more often than I check in on my own experience.
... A way that may inspire your own thinking.
... A reflection of my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual self evolving.

What this is not:
... a debate about what is right or wrong. I respectfully encourage you to open your own blog. :-)
... my journal. I will be keeping a detailed journal, this will be a reflection of the highlights. Relax, I don't intend to bore you with the navel fuzz or toe crumb stuff.

Along the way, I will probably comment on how I came to this journey, why "now" and also my story up until now. I have been and will continue to rewrite my own history, which is part of this process which you will also probably see. I will probably gather some material from time to time and submit an article or two. I say "probably" because this will unfold. Time will tell what this becomes.

What is "coming up" for me is fear around a few things:

• Will I really commit to this for a year - the sabbatical and the blog? There is a siren song that is calling me to get real and get back to being productive. Can I really commit to this?
• This will come back to haunt me - a future employer will find this in the Google archives and think me a slacker, unpredictable and unreliable.
• This blog is open to the world. I am exposing my personal logic for all to see. There is fear about "being seen". I have spent much of my life hiding.
• People will think I am a failure, a loser, stupid, crazy and/or silly. Well, all of that can apply anyway. People will create and hold their own judgments about me whether I do this or not.
• I am trying to use this time to accelerate what will unfold naturally anyway, and losing a year of my life. I was losing integrity with myself and screwing up more and more so I am hitting the pause button for a year. If I kept going I would get over it anyway.

LOL! Wow, look at that. It's amazing how much fear is here. Okay, time to hit the "publish" button.

Love, Mj

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