How Can You Ask...?

This has been a very intense 10 days, and I feel like I am still coming out of it to some degree. I experienced a wonderful "high" from the weekend in Rochester, feeling very open in all my energy centers, and feeling very loving.

I went into a phase last Saturday where I put up walls around me. Having several guests this weekend didn't help. I was expected to be an open, gracious hostess and loving wife, and instead I was struggling to give in ways that were expected of me. I was like a bear in a cave, snarling and growling at mostly my husband. All week I had been looking forward to his coming home (feeling "open") and when he did come home, I was anything but. He is very, very confused by all of this, and with good reason. And so was I, quite frankly. More than once I wondered "What the freak is going on with me?"

There are two schools of thought on processing internal work. One is through awareness where we recognize whatever is going on in the moment and consciously shift to a different choice. The other is to fully go into the experience in order to release emotion that is locked up. I wanted to do the former (make different choices), and instead did the latter. I had a beast that was coming up and was not to be ignored. In the past, these feelings would show up and I would attempt to cover it up and/or screw the lid down tight.

This morning, I was reading the Barbara Brennan book "Light Emerging: The Journey of Personal Healing". In the first chapter, she was describing the higher self, the lower self and the mask. The higher self is what I experienced during the weekend. The mask is what we often call the Ego - that part of us that wants to look good, prove ourselves, and blame because we fear not being accepted by others. The lower self was new to me, and it made sense. Here is how Barbara describes it:

"Any energy movement, negative or positive, is pleasurable. These actions carry pleasure because they are releases of energy that has been stored up inside... Negative pleasure originates in our lower self...and is truthful about its negative intent. It doesn't pretend to be nice... The intention of the lower self is to maintain separation and to do anything it wants to do, and to not feel pain." (pp. 8-9)

"The more our actions that arise out of the core are distorted by the mask, the more we must justify our actions by blame. The more we deny the existence of our lower self, the more we de-power ourselves. Denial holds back the power of the creative source within us. This creates a greater and greater cycle of pain and helplessness... we become unconsciously terrified by it and will stop at nothing to defend ourselves against experiencing it." (p. 9)

I had a huge dose of experiencing all three of these states - higher self, lower self and the mask - in a very short time and at high intensity. This is what my one year sabbatical is about - taking the time to deeply go through experiences and develop wisdom from them.

Two years ago, I kept hearing this message: "How can you ask that which you will not do?". In a 10 day span I experienced the good, the bad and the ugly. My five hour "time out" on Sunday morning was one of several steps that I took to settle down and let go. During that time, I made a vow that I will learn more about managing my own energy as well as deepen my desire to help others learn to manage theirs.

A healer is a person who has healed his/her self, and I know that part of my purpose here is to be a catalyst for others to change, grow and heal. I am surrendering to my purpose while taking full responsibility. That begins by working in my own life by expanding my capacity to give, to receive and to serve others. When I step back, I can see a pattern where I keep stretching the depth of my experiences and this weekend is part of that work. Not "pretty", but baby, it's real.

For this process and the love and patience of my husband, I am eternally grateful.

Love, Mj XOXO